


In this Unstable World

by Lieze



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: AU, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Older Characters, Sick Character, based on a book
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-07-08 03:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lieze/pseuds/Lieze
Summary: Yoshiko Tsushima thought the summer would last forever. Then she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Now, her only hope for survival lies within Kanan, her friend, and secret love. However, how can this change everything? What risks shall this imply?Is love enough to change everything or is something else entirely in game for them?





	1. Palaver - Prelude

It was on the first day of summer vacation that Yoshiko Tsushima found out she was going to die.

It happened on Monday, the first real day of vacation (the weekend did not count). Yoshiko woke up feeling gloriously weightless and thought, No school. Sunlight was streaming in the window, turning the sheer hangings around her bed filmy gold. Dia pushed them aside and jumped out of her bed—and winced.

Ouch. That pain in her stomach again. Sort of a gnawing, as if something were eating its way toward her back. It helped a little if she bent over.

No, Yoshiko thought. I refuse to be sick during summer vacation. I refuse. A little power of positive thinking it what is needed here, even if it was difficult for her. Her little demon audience needed her! What else was she supposed to stream if everyone else was going to be away and no idol activities were going to be done?

Grimly, doubled over—think positive, idiot!—she made her way down the hall to the turquoise-and-gold-tiled bathroom. At first, she thought she was going to throw up, but the pain eased as suddenly as it had come. Yoshiko straightened and regarded her tousled reflection triumphantly.

“Stick with me, Yohane, and you’ll be fine,” she whispered to it and gave a conspiratorial wink. Then she leaned forward, seeing her own magenta eyes narrow in suspicion. There on her nose were at least four small freckles she always hid with some base. Four and a half, if she were completely honest, which Yoshiko Tsushima usually wasn’t and Hanamaru usually uncovered her secrets first when they were in kindergarten. How childish, how—cute! Yoshiko Stuck her tongue out at herself and then turned away with great dignity, not without after combing her bun in her wild dark blue hair that clustered over her head.

She maintained the dignity until she got to the kitchen, where Ruby Kurosawa, one of her school idol friends, was eating some breakfast. For some reason, Ruby had decided to stay over at Numazu with her instead of at Hanamaru’s place. Dia had gone with Mari to some luxurious place somewhere in Europe against Dia’s wishes. Or at least that’s what Ruby told her. Not wanting to be alone, Ruby went to Yoshiko’s place and decided to stay there.

“Hello, little demon Ruby,” she said in a lively voice, still with suspicion about all this.

Ruby, who was used to her friend’s moods, was unimpressed. She lifted her faze from the idol section of the local magazine from Tokyo for a moment. Yoshiko had to admit that she had nice eyes: questing green eyes with very dark lashes. They were the only things she had in common with Dia.

Suddenly, Yoshiko blushed and shakes her head, what was she thinking anyway?

“Hi, Yoshiko-chan,” Ruby smiled politely and went back to the article.

“Where’s my Mom?”

“Your mom’s getting dressed. You should better eat something, or she will get on your case, Yoshiko-chan.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Yoshiko went on a tiptoe to rummage through a cupboard. Finding a box of some frosted cereal, she thrust a hand in and delicately pulled out one single flake. She ate it dry.

It was not all bad for eating so little. She did a few dance steps to de refrigerator, shaking the cereal box in a rhythm.

“Black or white, black or white! People aren't limited to only one existence, white wing black wing. A different me from yesterday gives a different answer today. If no is yes, then yes is no? It all depends on my mood. Ah, I'm certain there's more "me's" that I have yet to know” she sang, giving it a foot-stomping rhythm.

“I am pretty sure yes is yes and no is no,” Ruby said with a devastating calm, but still applauded, impressed by Yoshiko’s deep voice. “And why don’t you put some clothes on?”

Holding the refrigerator door open, Yoshiko looked down at herself. She was wearing her oversized pajamas. “This is clothes”, she said serenely, taking a diet soda from the fridge.

There was a knock at the kitchen door. Yoshiko saw who it was through the screen.

“Hi, Kanan! C’mon in.”

Kanan Matsuura came in, taking off her wraparound sunglasses. Looking at her, Yoshiko felt a pang—as always. It did not matter that she had seen her every day, practically, for the past three years. She still felt a quick sharp throb in her chest somewhere between sweetness and pain, when first confronted with Kanan every morning.

It was not just her outlaw good looks, which always remind her of a gorgeous model. She had silky, a lighter tone of blue hair than her, and deep purple eyes that combined perfectly with hers. She had as well a subtle, intelligent face and again her intense eyes were alternately cool. However, that was not what Yoshiko responded to. It was something inside her, something mysterious and compelling and always out of reach. It made her heart beat fast and her skin tingle.

“Hi,” said Kanan smiling faintly towards Ruby.

“Hello, Kanan” replied Ruby. Regardless she added a bit nastily “So, how’s Satomi and Tamao?”

Kanan considered “Well, I do not really know?”

“You don’t know? Oh yeah, you always drop your girlfriends just before summer vacations. Leaves you free to maneuver, right?”

“Ruby!! Is that why you stayed here instead?” Yoshiko was beet red.  
  
“I wonder…?” She smiled as always.

“Answering your previous question Ruby, while of course! The sea is my only love after all!” Kanan said blandly. She smiled.

Yoshiko, for her part, was seized by joy. Goodbye, Satomi; goodbye Tamao. Goodbye to Satomi’s elegant long legs and Tamao’s amazing pneumatic chest. This was going to be a wonderful summer.

Many people thought Yoshiko’s and Kanan’s relationship was platonic. This was not true. Yoshiko has known for years that she was going to marry her. It was one of her two greater ambitions, the other being able to see the world. She just had not gotten around to informing Kanan yet. Right now, Kanan still thought she liked long-legged girls with salon fingernails and Italian pumps.

“Is that a new CD?” she said, to distract her from Ruby’s distant stare.  
  
Kanan hefted it. “It is! More music from µ's”

Yoshiko cheered. “I cannot wait—let’s go listen to it.”

But just then her mother walked in.

She normally wore an expression of effortless efficiency. Yoshiko heading out of the kitchen nearly ran into her.

“Sorry—morning!”

“Hold on a minute!” Yoshiko’s mother said, getting hold of Yoshiko by the back of her pajamas. “Good morning Ruby; good morning Kanan,” she added. Ruby said good morning and Kanan nodded, ironically polite.

“Has everybody had breakfast?” Yohane’s mother asked, and when both girl’s responded they had, she looked at her daughter. “And what about you?” she asked, gazing into Yoshiko’s face.

Yoshiko rattled the flakes box and her mother winced. “Why don’t you put at least milk on them?”

“Better this way,” Yoshiko said firmly, but when her mother gave her a little push toward the refrigerator, she went and got a quart carton of low-fat milk.

"What are you planning to do with your first day of freedom? Her mother said, glancing from Kanan to Yoshiko.

“Oh, I do not know.” Yoshiko looked at Kanan. “Listen to some music; maybe go up the hills? Or take a bus to Uchiura?”

“Whatever you want,” Kanan said. “We’ve got all summer.”

The summer stretched out in front of Yoshiko, hot and golden and resplendent. It smelled like pool chlorine and sea salt, it felt like warm grass under her back. Three whole months. She thought. That’s forever. Three months is forever.

It was strange that she was actually thinking this when it happened.

“We could check out the new shops at—” she was beginning, when suddenly the pain struck and her breath caught in her throat.

It was bad—a deep, twisting burst of agony that made her double over. The milk carton flew from her finger and everything went gray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Lieze here! I hope you enjoyed the prologue of this story! This is based on a book I read as a child a long time ago. For now, I will not reveal the title of it since it might ruin the surprise. If you know which one it is, please hold back since on the first chapter I will reveal it! If you have any feedback, I will appreciate it!


	2. Those Who Live in Illusions

"Yoshiko!" Yoshiko could hear her mother's voice, but she could not see anything. The kitchen floor was obscured by dancing black dots. "Yoshiko, are you all right?"

Now, Yoshiko felt her mother's hands grasping her upper arms, holding her anxiously. The pain was easing and her vision was coming back. As she straightened up, she saw Kanan in front of her. Her beautiful face was almost expressionless, but Yoshiko knew her well enough to recognize the worry in her purple eyes.

The blue-haired girl was holding the milk carton, Yoshiko realized. Kanan must have caught it on the fly as she dropped it—amazing reflexes, Yoshiko thought, vaguely. Really amazing.

Ruby was on her feet. "Are you okay, Yoshiko-chan? What happened?"

"I—do not know." Yoshiko looked around, then shrugged, embarrassed. Now that she felt better she wished they were not staring at her so hard. The way to deal with the pain was to ignore it, to not think about it. "It is just this stupid pain—I think it is gastrowhatcgmacallit. You know, something I ate and little demons have once in a while!."

Yoshiko's mother gave her daughter the barest fraction of a shake. "Yoshiko, this is not gastroenteritis. You were having some pain before—nearly a month ago, was that not it? Is this the same kind of pain?"

Yoshiko squirmed uncomfortably. As a matter of fact, the pain had never really gone away. Somehow, in the excitement of end-of-the-year idol activities, she had managed to disregard it, and by now she was used to working around it.

"Sort of," the bun girl temporized. "But—"

That was enough for Yoshiko's mother. She gave Yoshiko a little squeeze and headed for the Kitchen telephone. "I know you do not like doctors, but I am calling Dr. Nishikino. I want her to take a look at you. This is not something we can ignore."

"Oh, Mom. It's _vacation_..."

Her mother covered the mouthpiece of the phone. "Yoshiko, this is non-negotiable. Go get dressed."

Yoshiko groaned, but she could see it was no use. She beckoned to Kanan, who was looking thoughtfully into a middle distance.

"Let's at least listen to the CD before I have to go."

Kanan glanced at the CD as if she had forgotten it, and put down the milk carton. Ruby followed them into the hallway.

"Um, Kanan-san? Can you please at least wait out here while she gets dressed?"

"Oh, right... sorry" she said almost absently.

Yohane just shook her head as she went into her room. As if Kanan cared about seeing her undressed.  _If only_ , she thoughtgrimly, pulling a white skirt out of her drawer plus a black blouse. She stepped into it, still shaking her head. Somehow, Kanan had become one of her best friends alongside Ruby and Hanamaru, her very best friend, and she was hers. But she'd never shown even the slightest desire to get her hands on Yoshiko. Sometimes, she wondered if Kanan realized Yoshiko was into girls as well.

Someday, I'm going to  _make_ her see, she thought and shouted out the door for her.

Kanan came in and smiled at her. It was a smile other people rarely saw, not a taunting or ironic grin, but a nice little smile, slightly crooked.

"Sorry about the doctor thingy," Yoshiko apologized.

"No. You should go." Kanan gave her a keen glance. "Your mom's right, you know. This has been going on way too long. You have lost weight; it is keeping you at night—"

Yoshiko looked at her, startled. She had not told anybody about how the pain was worse at night, not even Kanan. However—sometimes Kanan just knew things. As if she could read her mind.

"I just know  _you_ , that is all," she said, and then gave her a mischevious sideways glace as she stared at her. She unwrapped the CD.

The dark bun-haired girl shrugged and flopped on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Anyway, I wish Mom would let me have  _one_ day of vacation," she said. Yoshiko craned her neck to look at Kanan speculatively. "I wish I had a mom like yours. Mine's is always worrying and trying to  _fix_ me. To stop pretending to have little demons and stuff..."

"And my dad does not even care if I come or go. So which is worse?" Kanan said wryly.

"Your dad lets you have _your own apartment_ here in Numazu!"

"In a building, they own due to fishing. Because it is cheaper than hiring a manager." Kanan shook her head, her purple eyes on the CD she was putting in the player. "Do not knock your parents, kid. You are luckier than you know."

Yoshiko though about that as the CD started. She and Kanan both liked trance, especially the solo version's of Eli Ayase when it came to Bibi's songs—the underground electronic sound that had come from Europe. Kanan liked the techno beat and had used it once or twice in AZALEA. Yoshiko loved it because it was  _real_ music, raw and unpasteurized, made by people who believed in it. People who had the passion, not people who had the money. Besides, world music made her feel a part of other places. She loved the differentness of it, the alienness. That is why she missed Guilty Kiss as well now. However, now that she thinks deeply about it, this might be a reason of, maybe that was what she liked about Kanan too. Her differentness. 

She tilted her head to look at her as the strange rhythms of "The Diamond Princess's Melancholy" keep sounding in the background filling the air.

Yoshiko knew Kanan better than anyone, but there was always something,  _something_ about her that was closed off to Yoshiko. Something about Kanan that nobody could reach, not even Dia nor Mari.

Other people took it for arrogance, or coldness, or aloofness, but it was not really any of those things. It was just—differenttness. She was more different than any other exchange student from any cliché manga. Time after time, Yoshiko just had to put her finger on the difference, but it always slipped away. And more than once, especially late at night when they were listening to music or watching the ocean at Uchiura, she had felt Kanan was about to tell her.

And she had always felt that if Kanan _did_  tell her, it would be something very important, something as shocking and lovely as having a stray cat speak to her.

Just now she looked at her, at Kanan’s clean, carven profile and the blue waves of hair in her ponytail and the bangs on her forehead, and thought, She looks sad.

”Kanan-chan, nothing is _wrong_ , is it? I mean, at home, or anything?” She was the only person after Mari allowed to call her that way, not even her temporary girlfriends.

”What could be wrong at home?” She said with a smile that did not reach her eyes. Then, shook her head dismissively. “Do not worry about it, Yoshiko. It is nothing important—just a relative threatening to visit. An unwanted relative.” Then her eyes glinted there. “Or maybe I am just worried about you,” she said.

Yoshiko started to reply, “Oh, _as if_ ~~~~,” but instead she found herself oddly saying, “Are you really?”

Just gazing into each other’s eyes. Kanan looked uncertain, almost vulnerable.

”Yoshiko—”

Yoshiko swallowed. “Yes?”

Kanan opened her mouth—then she got up abruptly and went to adjust her 170-watt-speakers. When she turned back, her purple eyes were dark and fathomless.

”Sure, if you were really sick I would be worried,” she said lightly. “That is what friends are for, right?”

Yoshiko deflated.

”Right,” she said wistfully, and then gave Kanan a determined smile.

”But you are not sick,” the deep blue haired girl kept going on. “It is just something you need to take care of. The doctor will probably give you some antibiotics or something—with a big needle,” she added wickedly.

”Oh, shut up,” Yoshiko said. Kanan knew she was terrified of injections. Just the thought of a needle entering her skin...

”Here comes your mom,” Kanan said, glancing at the door, which was ajar. Yoshiko did not see how she could tell anyone was coming—the music was too loud and the hallway was carpeted.

But an instant later her mother pushed the door open.

”All right sweetheart,” she said briskly. “Dr. Nishikino says come right in, I am deeply sorry Kanan dear, but I am going to have to take Yoshiko away.”

”That is okay. I can come back this afternoon.”

Yoshiko Tsushima knew when she was defeated. She allowed her mother to tow her to the garage, ignoring Kanan’s miming of someone receiving a large injection.

An hour later, Yoshiko was lying on Dr. Nishikino’s examining table, violet eyes politely averted as her gentle fingers probed her abdomen. Dr. Nishikino was tall, lean and gorgeous. Somebody you could trust absolutely.

”The pain is here?” She said, fixing her small red hair.

”Yeah—but it sort of goes into my back. Or maybe I just pulled a muscle back there or something...”

The gentle, probing fingers moved. Then stopped. And, somehow, at that moment, Yoshiko knew it was not a pulled muscle. It was not an upset stomach; it was not anything simple, and things were about to change forever.

 

* * *

 

All Dr. Nishikino said was, “You know, I would like to arrange for a test on this.”

Her voice was dry and thoughtful, but panic curled through Yoshiko anyway. She could not explain what was happening inside her—some sort of dreadful little demon premonition, like a black pit opening in the ground in front of her.

”Why?” Her mother asked.

”Well.” Dr. Nishikino smiled and pushed up her glasses up. She tapped two fingers on the examining table. “Just as part of a process of elimination, really, Yoshiko-san says she’s been having pain in the upper abdomen, pain that radiates to her back, pain that is worse at night, She has lost her appetite recently and she has lost weight. And her gallbladder palpable—that means I can feel it is enlarged. No those are the symptoms of a lot of things, and a sonogram will help rule out some of them.”

Yoshiko calmed down. She could not remember what a gallbladder did but she was pretty sure she did not need it. Anything involving an organ with such a silly name could not be serious, could it? Dr. Nishikino was going on, talking about the pancreas and pancreatitis and palpable livers, and Yoshiko’s mother nodded as if she understood. Yoshiko did not understand, but the panic was gone, It was as if a cover has been whisked neatly over the black pit, leaving no sign that it had ever been there.

”You can get the sonogram done at Children’s Hospital right around the street,” Dr. Nishikino was saying. “Come back here after it is finished.”

Yoshiko’s mother was nodding, calm, serious, and efficient. 

Yoshiko felt just like important. Nobody knew she had been to a hospital for tests.

Her mother ruffled her hair as they walked out of Dr. Nishikino’s office. “Well, Yohane. What have you done to yourself now?”

Yoshiko smiled impishly, she adored being called that way. She was fully recovered from her earlier worry.

”Maybe I will have to have an operation and I will have an interesting scar, that will finally awaken my little demon powers!” She said, to amuse her mother.

”Let’s hope not,” her mother said, unamused.

The Kanon Tachikawa Children’s Hospital was a handsome grey building with sinuous curves and giant picture windows. Yoshiko looked thoughtfully into the gift shop as they passed. It was clearly a _kid’s_  gift shop, full of rainbows and stuffed animals that a visiting adult could buy as a last-minute present.

A girl came out of the shop.

She was a little older than Yoshiko, maybe seventeen or eighteen. She was pretty with an expertly made-up face—and a cute bandana which did not quite conceal the fact that she had no hair. She looked happy, round-cheeked, with earings dangling jauntily beneath the bandana—however, Yoshiko felt a stab of sympathy.

Sympathy... and fear. That girl was _really_  sick. Which was what hospitals were for, of course—for really sick people. Sussenly, Yoshiko wanted to get her own tests over with and get out of here.

The sonogram was not that painful, but it was vaguely disturbing. A technician smeared some kind of jelly over her middle, then ran a cold scanner over it, shooting sound waves into her, taking pictures of her insides. Yoshiko found her mind returning to the pretty girl with no hair.

To distract herself, she thought about Kanan. And for some reason what came to mind was the first time she had ever seen her, the day he came to kindergarten looking for Mari and Dia after a big fight. She had been pale, a slight girl with big purple eyes and something subtly _weird_  about her that made the bigger girl start picking on her immediately. On the playground, they ganged up on her like hounds around a fox—until Yoshiko saw what was happening.

Alongside with Hanamaru, even at five, Yoshiko had a great five hook. She had burst into the group, slapping faces and kicking shins until the big girls went running. Hanamaru scared them away with the power of the lights and her magical technology.

"Wanna be friends?"

After a brief hesitation, Kanan had nodded shyly. There had been something oddly sweet in her smile.

But Yoshiko had soon found out that her new friend was strange in small ways. When the class lizard died, she'd picked up its corpse without revulsion and asked Yoshiko if she wanted to hold it. The teacher had been horrified.

She knew where to find dead animals as well—she had shown her a vacant lot where several carcasses lay in the tall brown grass. She was matter-of-fact about it.

When she got older, the big girls stopped picking on her. She grew up to be as tall as any of them, and surprisingly strong and quick—and she developed a reputation for being tough. When she got angry, something almost frightening shone in her purple eyes.

She never got angry with Yoshiko though. They had remained best friends all these years. When they'd reached high school, she'd started having girlfriends—all the girls at school wanted Kanan—but she never kept any of them long. And Kanan never confided in them; to them, she was a mysterious, secretive bad girl. Only Yoshiko saw the other side of her, the vulnerable caring side.

"Okay," the technician said, bringing Yoshiko back to the present with a jerk. "You are done; let's wipe this jelly off you."

"So what did it show?" Yoshiko asked, glancing up at the monitor.

"Oh, your own doctor will tell you that. The radiologist will read the results and call them over to your doctor's office." The technician's voice was absolutely neutral—so neutral that Yoshiko looked at her sharply.

Back in Dr. Nishikino's office, Yoshiko fidgeted while her mother paged through out-of date-magazines. When the nurse said "Tsushima-san," they both stood up.

"Uh—no," the nurse said, looking flustered. "Tsushima-san, the doctor just wants to see you for a minute—alone."

Yoshiko's and her mother looked at each other. Then, slowly, Yoshiko's mother put down her magazine and followed the nurse. 

Yoshiko stared after her.

Now, what on _earth_... Dr. Nishikino had never done _that_  before.

Yoshiko realized that her heart was beating hard. Not fast, just hard. Bang... bang... bang, in the middle of her chest, shaking her insides. Making her feel unreal and giddy.

Do not think about it. It is probably nothing. Read a magazine.

But her fingers didn't seem to work properly. When she finally got one open, her eyes ran over the words without delivering them to her brain.

What are they talking about in there? What is going _on_? It's been so long...

It kept getting longer. As Yoshiko waiter, she found herself vacillating between two modes of thought.

1) Nothing serious was wrong with her and her mother was going to come out laughing at her even imagining there was, and

2) Something awful was wrong with her and she was going to have to go through some dreadful treatment to get well.

The covered pit and the open pit.

When the pit was covered, it seemed laughable, and she felt embarrassed for having such melodramatic thoughts. But when it was open, she felt as if all her life before this had been a dream, and now she was hitting hard reality at last.

I wish I could call Kanan, she thought.

At last, the nurse said, "Yoshiko-chan? Come on in."

Dr. Nishikino's office was wood-paneled, with certificates and diplomas hanging on the walls. Yoshiko sat down in a leather chair and tried not to be too obvious about scanning her mother's face. She looked... too calm. Calm with strain underneath. She was smiling, but it was an odd, slightly unsteady smile.

Oh, God, Yoshiko thought. Something _is_  going on.

"Now, there is no cause for alarm." the doctor said, and immediately Yoshiko became more alarmed. Her palms stuck to the leather of the chair arms.

"Something showed up in your sonogram that is a little unusual, and I would like to do a couple of other rests," Dr. Nishikino said, her voice slow and measured, soothing. "One of the tests requires that you fast from midnight the day before you take it. But your mom says you did not eat breakfast today."

Yoshiko said mechanically, "I ate one flake."

" _One_  flake? Well, I think we can count that as fasting. We'll do the tests today, and I think it is best to admit you to the hospital for them. Now, the tests are called a CAT scan and an ERCP scan—that's short for something I cannot even pronounce." She smiled. Yoshiko just stared at her.

"There is nothing frightening about wither of these tests," she said gently. "The CAT scan is like an X-ray. The ERCP involves passing a tube down the throat, through the stomach, and into the pancreas. Then we inject into the tube a liquid that will show up on the X rays..."

Her mouth kept moving, yet Yoshiko had stopped hearing her words. She was more frightened than she could remember being in a long time.

I was joking about the interesting scar, she thought. I don't want a _real_  disease. I don't want to go to the hospital and I don't want any tubes down my throat.

She looked at her mother in mute appeal. Her mother took her hand.

"It's no big deal sweetheart. We will just go home and pack a few things for you; then we'll come back."

"I have to go into the hospital _today_?"

"I think that would be best," Dr. Nishikino said.

Yoshiko's hand tightened on her mother's. Her mind was a humming blank.

When they left the office, her mother said, "Thank you, Maki-san."

Yoshiko had never heard her call Dr. Nishikino by her first name before.

She didn't ask why. She didn't say anything as they walked out of the building and got in the car. As they drove home, her mother began to chat about ordinary things in a light, calm voice and Yoshiko made herself answer. Pretending that everything was okay, while all the time the terrible sick feeling raged inside of her.

It was only when they were in her bedroom, packing mystery books and cotton pajamas into a small suitcase, that she asked almost casually.

"So what exactly does Dr. Nishikino thinks is wrong with me?"

Her mother did not answer immediately. She was looking down at the suitcase. Finally, she said, "Well, she's not sure _anything_  is wrong."

"But what does she _think_? She must think something. And she was talking about my pancreas—I mean, it sounds like she thinks there is something wrong with my pancreas. I thought she was looking at my _gallbladder_  or whatever. I didn't even know my pancreas was _involved_  in this..."

"Sweetie..." Her mother took her by the shoulders, and Yoshiko realized she was getting a little overwrought. She took a deep breath.

"I just want to know the truth, okay? I just want to have some idea of what's going on. It is my body, and I've got a right to know what they are looking for—don't I?"

It was a brave speech, and she did not mean any of it. What she really wanted was reassurance, a promise that Dr. Nishikino was looking for something trivial. That the worst that could happen wouldn't be so bad She did not get it.

"Yes, you do have a right to know." Her mother let a long breath out, then spoke slowly. "Dr. Nishikino was concerned about your pancreas all along. Apparently, things can happen in the pancreas that causes changes in other organs, like the gallbladder and liver. When Dr. Nishikino felt those changes, she decided to check things out with a sonogram."

Yoshiko swallowed.

"And she said the sonogram was—unusual. How unusual?"

"Yoshiko, this is all preliminary..." Her mother saw her face and sighed. She went on reluctantly. "The sonogram showed that there might be something in your pancreas. Something that should not be there. That is why Dr. Nishikino wants the other tests; they will tell us for sure. But—"

"Something that should not be there? You mean... like a tumor? Like... cancer?" Strange, it was hard to say words.

Her mother nodded once.

"Yes. Like cancer."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this new chapter! I will let you know I read your feedback and I appreciate it! I will not reveal the title yet until the breaking point of the story and the tags will be updated during the week!  
> Thank you very much for your support!


	3. Night World Phoneme

All Yoshiko could think of was of the pretty bald girl in the gift shop.

Cancer.

”But—but they can do something about it, can’t they?” She said, and even to her own ears, her voice sounded very young. “I mean—if they had to, they could take my pancreas out...”

”Oh, sweetie, _of course_.” Yoshiko’s mother took Yoshiko in her arms. “I promise you; if there is something wrong, we’ll do everything to fix it. I’d go to the ends of the netherworld, as you say, to make you feel well. You know that. And at this point, we aren’t even sure that there _is_  something wrong. Dr. Nishikino said that it’s extremely rare for teenagers to get a tumor in the pancreas. Extremely rare. So let’s not worry about things until we have to.”

Yoshiko felt herself relax; the pit was covered again. Yet, somewhere near her core she still felt cold.

”I have to call Kanan.”

Her mother nodded. “Just make it quick.”

Yoshiko kept her fingers crossed as soon as she dialed Kanan's apartment. Please be there,  _please_ be there, she thought. And for once, she was. She answered laconically, but as soon as she heard Yoshiko's voice, Kanan said, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing—well, everything. Maybe." Yoshiko heard herself give a wild sort of laugh. It wasn't exactly one of her wild ones either.

"What happened?" Kanan said sharply. "Did you have a fight with Ruby? Or Hanamaru?"

"No. Hanamaru is studying at her place and Ruby doesn't know anything about this... about me... going into the hospital."

"Why?"

"They think I might have cancer."

It was a tremendous relief to say it, a sort of emotional release. Yoshiko laughed again.

Yet, there was silence on the other end of the line.

"Hello?"

"I'm here," Kanan said. Then she added, "I'm coming over."

"No, there's no point. I've got to leave in a minute." She waited for her to say that she'd come and see her in the hospital, but Kanan didn't.

"Kanan, would you do something for me? Would you find out whatever you can about cancer in the pancreas? Just in case?"

"Is that what they think you have?"

"They don't know for sure. They're giving me some tests. I just hope they don't have to use any needles." Another laugh but inside she was reeling. She wished Kanan would say something comforting.

"I'll see what I can find on the Net." Her voice was unemotional, almost expressionless.

"And then you can tell me later—They'll probably let you call me at the hospital."

"Yeah."

"Okay, I have to go. My mom's waiting."

"Take care of yourself."

Yoshiko hung up, feeling empty. Her mother was standing in the doorway.

"Come on, Yohane. Let's go!"

* * *

 

Kanan sat very still, looking at the phone without seeing it. Yoshiko was scared, and she couldn't help her. Kanan had never been very good at inspirational small talk. Well, perhaps sometimes but, in this situations? A hug wouldn't be enough. It wasn't, she thought, in her nature. To give comfort, you had to have a comfortable view of the world. And Kanan had seen too much of the world to have any illusions. She could deal with cold facts, though. Pushing aside a pile of assorted clutter, she turned on her laptop and dialed up the Internet.

Within minutes, she was using Google to search the National CancerInstitute'ss Network. The first file he found was listed as "Pancreatic cancer Patient Amina Shiina." She scanned it. Stuff about what the pancreas did, stages of the disease, treatments. Nothing too gruesome. Then Kanan went into "Pancreatic cancer Physician Whitehurst"—a file meant for doctors. The first line held her paralyzed.

_Cancer of the exocrine pancreas is rarely curable._

 Her eyes skimmed down the lines.

_Overall survival rate... metastasis... poor response to chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and surgery... pain..._

Pain. Yoshiko was brave, however, facing constant pain would crush anyone. Especially when the outlook for the future was so bleak. 

Kanan looked at the top of the article again. Overall survival less than three percent. If the cancer had spread, less than one percent. There must be more information. That's why Kanan went searching again and came up with several articles from newspapers and medical journals.

Every time they got worse and worse.

_The overwhelming majority of patients will die, and die swiftly, experts say. ... Pancreatic cancer is usually inoperable, rapid, and debilitatingly painful... The average survival if the cancer has spread can be three weeks to three months..._

Three weeks to three months.

Kanan stared at the laptop's screen. Her chest and throat felt tight; her vision was blurry. She tried to control it, telling herself that nothing was certain yet. Yoshiko was being tested; that didn't mean she  _had_ cancer. Nevertheless, the words rang hollow in her mind. She had known for some time that something was wrong with Yoshiko. Something was—disturberd—inside her. She'd sensed that the rhythms of her body were slightly off; she could tell Yoshiko was losing sleep. And the pain—she always knew when the pain was there. Kanan just hadn't realized how serious it was.

Yoshiko knows, too, she thought. Deep down, she knows that something very bad is going on, or she wouldn't have asked me to find this out. But what does she expect me to do, walk in and tell her she's going to die in a few months? And am I supposed to stand around and watch it?

Her lips pulled back from her teeth slightly. Not a nice smile, more of like a savage grimace. She'd seen a lot of death in seventeen years. She knew the stages of dying, knew the difference beteem the moment breathing stopped and the moment the brain turned off; knew the unmistakable ghost-like pallor of a fresh corpse. The way the eyeballs flattened out about five minutes after expiration. ow, that was a detail most people weren't familiar with. Five minutes after you die, your eyes goe flat and filmy gray. And then your body starts to shrink.

Yoshiko was so small already.

Kanan had always been afraid of hurting her. She looked so fragile and she could hurt somebody much stronger if Kananwasn't careful. That was one reason she kept a certain distance between them. 

One reason. Not the main one.

The other was something she couldn't put into words, not even to herself. It brought her right up to the edge of the forbidden. To face rules that had been ingrained in her since birth. None of the Night People could fall in love with a human. The sentence for breaking the law was death.

It didn't matter. Kanan knew what she had to do now. Where she had to go.

Cold and precise, Kanan logged off the Net. She stood up, picked up her beach hat and wet out the door with some sunglasses into the merciless June sunlight, slamming her apartment door behind her.

 

* * *

 

Yoshiko looked around the hospital room unhappily. There was nothing so awful about it, except that it was too cold, however... it was a hospital. That was the truth behind the pretty pink-and-blue curtains and the closed-circuit TV and the dinner menu decorated with cute anime characters. It was a place you didn't come unless you were pretty Damn Sick.

Oh, come on, she told herself. Cheer up a  _little_. What happened to the power of Yohane? This would be her perfect recording room, right? So dull, with some bit of more proper decorations she could make it big here!

God, why am I even laughing about this, she thought.

But she found herself smiling faintly, with self-depreciating humor if nothing else. And the nurses  _were_ nice here, and the bed was extremely cool. IT had a remote control on the side that bent it into any imaginable position.

Her mother came in while she was playing with it.

"I got hold of Ruby-chan; she'll be here in a bit. Meanwhile, I think you'd better change so you're ready for the tests."

Yoshiko looked at the blue-and-white striped seersucker hospital robe and felt a painful spam that seemed to reach from her stomach to her back. And something in the deepest part of her said,  _Please, not yet. I'll never be ready._

 

* * *

 

Kanan pulled her bicycle into a parking space near a Shinto Shrine and walked a few miles on Numazu until she got to Higashiitchoda. It was far, but she always loved to walk long distances, it relaxed her about all... this. It was a nice part of Numazu indeed, nice expensive houses. However, the deeper she went in, the uglier it became because she took a detour where she shouldn't have towards a building. It was sagging and decrepit. Several stores were vacant with cardboard taped over broken windows. Graffiti covered the peeling paint on the cinder-block walls. Just as if the had stepped into another world. Even the smog seemed to hang thicker here. The air itself seemed yellow and cloying. Like a poisonous miasma, it darkened the brightest day and made everything look unreal and ominous.

The blue haired girl walked around to the back of the building. There, among the freight entrances of the stores in front, was one door unmarked by pink graffiti. The sign above it had no words. Just the picture of a pink bright heart.

A pink loveca.

Kanan knocked. The door opened automatically, making her jumped a bit, just enough to let herself in.

The place looked like a small café. A darkened room with little round tabled crammed in side by side, surrounded by wooden chairs. There were a few scattered people sitting down, all of them looking like teenagers. Two girls were playing pool in the back.

The ponytailed girl went over one of the round tables where a petite girl was sitting. She took off her sunglasses and beach hat and sat down.

"Hi, Nico-san."

The girl looked up. She had dark hair tied up in two pigtails and reddish-pink eyes. Slanted, mysterious eyes which seemed to have been outlined in black eyeliner—she looked like a witch, which was no coincidence.

"Hey, Kanan-san. I've missed you." Her voice was a bit high but not enough to disturb the other players. 

"How's it going these days?"

She cupped her hands around the unlit candle on the table and made a quick motion as if releasing a captive bird. As her hands moved away, the candle wick burst into flame.

"Still as gorgeous as ever," she said, smiling at Kanan in the dancing golden light.

"That goes for you as well. But the truth is, I'm here on business."

Nico arched an eyebrow. "Aren't you always?"

"This is different. I want to ask your... professional opinion on something."

Nico spread her slender hands, silver fingernails glowing in the candle's flame. On her index finger was a fing with a pink ribbon. "My powers are at your disposal. Is there someone you want cursed? Or maybe you want to attract good luck? or prosperity. I know you can't need a love charm."

"I want a spell—to cure a disease. I don't know if it needs to be specific to the disease, or if something more general would work. A—general health spell..."

"Kanan-san...." Nico chuckled lazily and put a hand on her, stroking lightly. "You're really worked up, aren't you? I've never seen you like this."

It was true; Kanan was experiencing a major loss of control. She was working against it, disciplining herself into perfect stillness.

"What particular disease are we talking about?" Nico asked when she didn't speak again. 

"Cancer."

Nico threw back her head and laughed. "You're telling me your kind can get cancer? I don't believe it. Eat and breathe all you want, but don't try to convince me the lamia get human diseases."

This was the hard part.

Kanan said quietly, "The person with the disease isn't my kind. She's not your kind either. She's human."

Nico's smile disappeared. Her voice was no longer cheerful as she said, "An outsider? _Vermin_? Are you crazy Kanan? You know I used to be in an idol group as you but I disbanded due to reasons and everyone was against when it happened with you as well. Humans are _vermin_!"

"She doesn't know anything about me or the Night World. I don't want to break any laws. I just want her well."

The slanted pink-reddish eyes were searching Kanan's face.

"Are you sure you haven't broken the laws already?" And when Kanan looked determined not to understand this, Nico added in a lowered voice, "Are you sure you're not in love with her?"

Kanan made herself meet the probing gaze directly. She spoke softly and dangerously. 

"Don't say that unless you want a fight."

Nico looked away. She played with her ring. The candle flame dwindled and died.

"Kanan, I've known you for a long time," she said without looking up. "I don't want to get you into trouble. I believe you when you say you haven't broken any laws—but I think we'd both better forget this conversation. Just walk out now and I'll pretend it never happened."

"And the spell?"

"There's no such thing. And if there was, I wouldn't help you. Just go."

Kanan went.

There was one other possibility that he could think of.

She drove her bike all the way back to a different area in Numazu, the last as a diamond is from a coal. He parked in a covered carport by a quaint adobe building with a fountain even if it was just a bicycle. Red and purple bougainvillea climbed up the walls to the Spanish tile of the roof.

Walking through an archway into a courtyard, she came to an office with gold letters on the door. _K. Matsuura Ph. D_. Her father was a psychologist. The fisherman business was another facade.

Before she could reach for the handle, the door opened and a woman came out. She was like most of his father's clients, forty-something, obviously, rich, wearing a designer jogging suit and high heeled sandals.

She looked a bit dazed and dreamy, and there were two small, rapidly healing puncture wounds on her neck.

Kanan went into the office. There was a waiting room, but no receptionist. Strains of Mozart came from the inner office. Kanan knocked on the door.

"Dad?"

The door opened to reveal a handsome man with dark blue hair. He was wearing a perfectly tailored gray suit and a shirt with french cuffs. He had an aura of power and purpose. Yet, not of warmth.

He said, "What is it, Kanan?" in the same voice he used for his clients: thoughtful, deliberate, confident.

"Do you.... have a minute... or so?"

His father placed at his hand wrist clock.

"As a matter of fact, my next patient won't be here for half an hour."

"There's something I need to talk about."

Her father looked at her keenly, then gestured to an overstuffed chair. Kanan eased into it but found herself pulling forward to sit on the edge.

"What's on your mind?"

Kanan searched for the right words. Everything depended on whether she could make her father understand. Yet, what were the right words? At last, she settled for bluntness.

"It's Yoshiko. She's been sick for a while, and now they think he has cancer."

Dr. Matsuura looked surprised. 

"I'm sorry to hear that."

But there was no sorrow in his voice.

"And it's bad cancer. It's incredibly painful and just about one hundred percent incurable."

"That's a pity." Again there was nothing but a mild surprise in her father's voice.

And suddenly, Kanan knew where _that_  came from. It wasn't surprising that Yoshiko was sick; it was a surprise that Kanan had made a trip just to tell him this.

"Dad, if she's got this cancer, she's _dying_. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Dr. Matsuura steepled his fingers and stared into the ruddy gloss of his mahogany desk. He spoke slowly and steadily. "Kanan, we've been through this before. You know what your mother and I are worried about you getting too close to Tsushima-san. Too... attached... to her."

Kanan felt a surge of cold rage. "Like I got too attached to Chika-chan?"

Her father didn't blink. "Something like that.

Kanan fought the pictures that wanted to form in his mind. She couldn't think about Chika now; she needed to be detached. That was the only way to convince her father.

"Dad, what I'm trying to say is that I've known Yoshiko just about all my life. She's useful to me."

"How? Not in an obvious way. You've never fed on her, have you?"

Kanan swallowed, feeling nauseated. Feed on Yoshiko? Use her like that? Even the thought of that made him sick.

"Dad, she's my friend," she said, abandoning any pretense of objectivity. "I can't just watch her suffer. I can't. I have to do something about it."

Her father's face cleared. "I see." 

Kanan felt dizzy with astonished relief. "You understand?"

"Kanan, at times one can't help a certain feeling of... compassion for humans. In general, I wouldn't encourage it—but you _have_  known Yoshiko for a long time- You feel pity for her suffering. If you want to make that suffering shorter, then, yes, I understand."

Te relief crashed down around Kanan. She stared at her father for a few seconds, then said softly, "Mercy killing? I thought the Elders had put a ban on deaths in this area."

"Just be reasonably discreet about it. As long as it seems to be natural, we'll all look the other way. There won't be any reason to call in the Elders."

There was a metallic taste in Kanan's mouth. She stood and laughed shortly.

"Thanks, Dad. You've really helped a lot."

Her father didn't seem to hear the sarcasm. "Glad to do it, Kanan. By the way, how are things at the apartments?"

"Fine," Kanan said emptily.

"And at school?"

"School's over, Dad," Kanan said, and let herself out.

In the courtyard, she leaned against an adobe wall and stared at the splashing water of the fountain. She was out of options. Out of hope. The laws of the Night World said so.

If Yoshiko had the disease, she would die from it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this new chapter! I will let you know I read your feedback and I appreciate it! I will not reveal the title yet until the breaking point of the story and the tags will be updated during the week!
> 
> Special thanks to VTR for telling me about using more contractions in the dialogues! I hope I did it alright this time!
> 
> Special thanks as well to everyone who has commented so far, I am so happy with your feedback and kudos!
> 
> The book the story is based on is Secret Vampire by L.J Smith!


	4. Results and Consequences

Yoshiko was staring without appetite at a dinner tray of miso soup and boiled bonito when Dr. Nishikino came into the room.

There were over. The CAT scan had been all right, if claustrophobic, yet the ERCP had been awful. Yoshiko could still feel the ghost of the tube in her throat every now and then she swallowed.

“You’re leaving all this great hospital food,” Dr. Nishikino said with great humor. Yoshiko managed a smile for her.

The red-haired doctor went on about talking innocuous things. She didn’t say anything about the exam results, and Yoshiko had no idea when they were supposed to come in. The teal haired girl was suspicious of Dr. Nishikino, though. Something about her, the gentle way she patted her foot under the blanket or the shadows around her eyes…

When she casually suggested that Yoshiko’s mother might want to “come for a little walk down the hall,” Yoshiko’s suspicion crystallized.

She’s going to tell her. She’s got the results, but she doesn’t want me to know.

Her plan was made in the same instant. She yawned and said, “Go on, Mom; I’m a little bit sleepy.” Then she lay back and shut her eyes.

As soon as they were gone, she got off the bed. Yoshiko watched their retreating backs as they went down the hall into another doorway. Then, in her stocking feet, she quietly followed them.

The girl was delayed for several minutes at the nursing station though. “Just stretching my legs,” she said to a nurse who looked inquiringly at her, and she pretended to be walking at random. When the nurse picked up a clipboard and went into one of the patients’ rooms, Yoshiko hurried on down the corridor.

The room at the end was the waiting room—she had seen it earlier. It had a TV and a complete kitchen setup so relatives could hang out in comfort. The door was ajar and Yoshiko approached it stealthily. The dark blue haired girl could hear the low rumble of Dr. Nishikino’s voice, yet she couldn’t hear what she was saying.

Very cautiously, Yoshiko edged closer. She changed one look around the door…

She saw at once that there was no need for caution. Everyone in that room was completely obscured. Dr. Nishikino was sitting on one of the couches. Beside her was a delicate girl with some ribbons and a very strange hair decoration on her head. Her grey hair and amber eyes, she was wearing the white coat of a doctor as well.

On the other couch, however, was Yoshiko’s father who was always away on trips.

His normally perfectly dark hair was slightly mussed, his rock-steady yaw was working. He had his arm around her mother. Dr. Nishikino was talking to both of them, her hand on Yoshiko’s mother’s shoulder.

And she was sobbing.

Yoshiko pulled back from the doorway.

_Oh my God. I’ve got it._

She’s never seen her mother cry before. Not when Yoshiko’s grandmother had died, not during that almost divorce happened many years ago. Her mother’s specialty was coping with things; she was the best coper Yoshiko had ever known.

But now…

_I’ve got it. I’ve definitely got it._

Still, maybe it wasn’t so bad. Her mom was shocked, okay, that was natural. But it didn’t mean Yoshiko was going to _die_ or anything. Yoshiko had all of the modern medicine on her side. She kept telling herself this as she edged away from the waiting room.

She didn't edge fast enough though. Before she got out of earshot she heard her mother’s voice, raised in something like anguish.

“ _My baby. Oh, my little girl_.”

Yoshiko froze.

And then her stepfather, loud and angry: “You’re trying to tell me there’s _nothing_?”

Yoshiko couldn’t feel her own breathing. Against her will, she moved back to the door.

“Dr. Minami is an oncologist; an expert on this sort of cancer. She can explain better than I can,” Dr. Nishikino was saying.

Then a new voice came—the other doctor. At first, Yoshiko could only catch scattered phrases that didn’t seem to _mean_ anything: adenocarcinoma, splenic venous occlusion, Stage Three. Medical jargon. Then Dr. Minami said, “To put it simply, the problem is that the tumor has spread. It’s spread to the liver and lymph nodes around the pancreas. That means it’s unresectable—we can’t operate.”

“But chemotherapy…”

“We might try a combination of radiation and chemotherapy with something called 5-fluorouracil. We’ve had some results with that. But I won’t mislead you. At best it may improve her survival time by a few weeks. At this point, we’re looking at palliative measures—ways to reduce her pain and improve the _quality_ of time she has left. Do you understand?”

Yoshiko could hear choking sobs from her mother, but she couldn’t seem to move. She felt as if she were listening to some play on the radio. As if it had nothing to do with her.

“There are some research protocols right here. They are experimenting with immunotherapy and cryogenic surgery. Again, we’re talking about palliation rather than a cure—” said Dr. Nishikino.

“Damn it!” said the only male in the room, which was in a very explosive voice. “You’re talking about a _little girl_! How did this get to—to Stage Three—without anybody noticing? This kid was dancing all night two days ago.”

“Mr. Tsushima, I’m sorry,” Dr. Minami said so softly that Yoshiko could barely pick up the words. “This kind of cancer is called a silent disease because there are very few symptoms until it’s very advanced. That’s why the survival rate is so low. And I have to say that Yoshiko is only the second teenager I’ve seen with this kind of tumor. Dr. Nishikino made an extremely acute diagnosis when he decided to send her in for testing.”

“ _I_ should have known,” Yoshiko’s mother said in a thick voice. “I should have made her come in sooner. I should have—I should have—”

There was a banging sound.

Yoshiko looked around the door, forgetting to be inconspicuous. Her mother was hitting the Formica table over and over.

Yoshiko reeled back.

_Oh, God, I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t see this. I can’t look at this._

She turned around and walked down the hall. Her legs moved. Just like always. Amazing that they still worked. And everything around her was just like always. The nursing station was still decorated. Her suitcase was still on the passes window seat in her room. The hardwood floor was still solid underneath her.

Everything was still the same—but how could it be? How could the walls be standing? How could the TV be blaring in the next room?

I’m going to die, Yoshiko thought.

Strangely enough, she didn’t feel frightened. What she felt was vastly surprised. And the surprise kept coming, over and over with every thought being interrupted by those four words.

It's my fault because (I’m going to die) I didn’t go to the doctor sooner.

Her stepfather said “damn” for me (I’m going to die). I didn’t know he liked me enough to swear.

Her mind was racing wildly.

Something _in_ me, she thought. I’m going to die because of something that is _inside_ me, like that alien in the movie. It’s in me right now. Right. Now.

She put both hands to her stomach, then pulled up her T-shirt to her abdomen. The skin was smooth, unblemished. She didn’t feel any pain.

_But it’s in there and I’m going to die because of it. Die soon. I wonder how soon? I didn’t hear them talking about that… I need Kanan._

Yoshiko reached for the phone with a feeling that her hand was detached from her body. She dialed, thinking, _please be there_.

But this time it didn’t work. The phone rang and rang. When the answering machine came on, Yoshiko said, “Call me at the hospital.” Then she hung up and stared at the plastic pitcher of ice water by her bedside.

She’ll get in later, she thought. And then she’ll call me. I just have to hang on until then.

Yoshiko wasn’t sure why she thought this, but suddenly, it was her goal. To hang on until she could talk to Kanan. She didn’t need to think about anything until then; she just had to survive. Once she talked to Kanan, she could figure out what was supposed to _do_ now.

There was a light knock at the door. Startled, Yoshiko looked up to see her mother and stepfather. For a moment, all she could focus on was their faces, which gave her the strange illusion that the faces were floating in midair.

Her mother had red, swollen eyes. Her stepfather was pale, like a piece of crumpled white paper, and his jaw looked stubbly and dark in contrast.

Oh my God, are they going to _tell me_? They _can’t_ , they can’t make me listen to it.

Yoshiko had the wild impulse to run. She was on the verge of panic.

But her mother said, "Sweetie, some of your friends are here to see you. Ruby called them this afternoon to let them know you were in the hospital and they just arrived.”

 _Kanan_ , Yoshiko thought, something springing free in her chest. But Kanan wasn’t part of the group that came crawling through the doorway. It was mostly girls from school. Yet, Yoshiko was surprised Hanamaru wasn’t there as well if Ruby told everyone.

As a matter of fact, it was impossible to think with so many visitors in the room. And that was good. It was incredible Yoshiko could sit there and talk to them when part of here was farther away than Neptune, but she did talk and that kept her brain turned off.  
  
None of them had any idea that something serious was wrong with her. Not even Ruby, who was very kind and considerate. They talked about ordinary things, about parties, idols, and books. Things from Yoshiko's old life, which suddenly seemed to have been a hundred years ago.  
  
But finally the visitors left, and Yoshiko's mother stayed. She touched Yoshiko every so often with hands that shook slightly.  
  
If I didn't know, I'd know, Yoshiko thought. She isn't acting like Mom at all.  
  
"I think I'll stay here tonight," her mother said. Not quite managing to sound offhand. "The nurse said I can sleep on the window seat; it's a couch for parents. I'm just trying to decide whether I should run back to the house and get some things."  
  
"Yes, go," Yoshiko said. There was nothing else she could say and still pretend she didn't know. Besides, her mom undoubtedly needed some time by herself, away from this.  
  
Just as her mother left, a nurse in a flowered blouse and green scrub pants came in to take Yoshiko's temperature and blood pressure. And then Yoshiko was alone.  


* * *

  
It was late. She could still hear a TV but it was far away. The door was ajar, but the hallway outside was dim. A hush seemed to have fallen over the ward.  
  
She felt very alone, and the pain was gnawing deep inside her. Beneath the smooth skin of her abdomen, the tumor was making itself known.

Worst of all, Kanan hadn’t called. How could she not call? Didn’t she know she needed her?

Yoshiko wasn’t sure how long could she go on not thinking about It.

Maybe the best thing would be to try to sleep. Get unconscious. Then she _couldn’t_ think.

But as soon as she turned off the lights and closed her eyes, phantoms swirled around her. Nor images of pretty bald girls; skeletons. Coffins. And worse of all, an endless darkness.

If I _die_ I won’t be here. Will I be anywhere? Or will I just Not Be at all?

It was the scariest thing she’d ever imagined, Not-Being.

And she was definitely thinking now, she couldn’t help it. She'd lost control. A galloping fear consumed her, made her shiver under the rough sheet and thin blankets. _I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to—_

“Yoshiko.”

Her eyes flew open. For a second she couldn’t identify the black silhouette in the darkened room. She had a wild idea that it was Death itself coming to get her.

Then she said, “ _Kanan?_ ”

“I wasn’t sure if you were asleep.”

Yoshiko reached for the bedside button that turned on the light, however, Kanan said, “No, leave it off. I had to sneak past the nurses, and I don’t want them to throw me out.”

Yoshiko swallowed, her hands clenched on a fold of blanket.

“I’m glad you came,” she said. “I thought you weren’t going to come.”

What she really wanted was to throw herself into Kanan’s arms and sob and scream.

But Yoshiko didn’t. It wasn’t just that she’d never done anything like that with Kanan before; it was something about _her_ that stopped Yoshiko. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but that made her feel almost… frightened.

The way Kanan was standing? The fact Yoshiko couldn’t see her face? All she knew was that Kanan suddenly seemed like a stranger.

Kanan turned around and very slowly closed the heavy door.

Darkness.

Now the only light came in through the windows.

Yoshiko felt curiously isolated from the rest of the hospital.

And that could’ve been good, to be alone with Kanan, protected from everything else. If only she weren’t having this weird feeling of not recognizing her.

“You know the test results,” Kanan said quietly. It wasn’t a question.

“My mom doesn’t know I know,” Yoshiko replied. How could she be taking coherently when all she wanted to do was scream? “I overheard the doctors telling her… Kanan, I’ve got it. And… it’s bad; it’s a bad kind of cancer. They said it’s already spread. They said I’m going to…”

She couldn’t get the last word out, even though it was shrieking through her mind.

“You are going to die,” Kanan said. She still seemed quiet and centered. Detached.

“I read up on it,” Kanan went on, walking over to the window and looking out. “I know how bad it is. The articles said there was a lot of pain. Serious pain.”

“Kanan,” Yoshiko gasped.

“Sometimes they have to do surgery just to try to stop the pain, But whatever they do, it won’t save you. They can fill you full of chemicals and irradiate you, and you’ll still die. Probably before the end of summer.”

“Kanan—“

“It will be your last summer—“

“ _Kanan, for God’s sake!_ ” It was almost a scream. Yoshiko was breathing in great shaking gulps, clinging to the blankets. “Why are you doing this to me?”

She turned and in one movement seized Yoshiko’s wrist, her fingers closing over the plastic hospital bracelet.

“I want you to understand they can’t help you”, Kanan said, ragged and intense, “Do you understand that?”

“ _Yes_ , I do understand,” replied Yoshiko. She could hear the mounting hysteria in her own voice, “But is that what you came here to say? Do you want to _kill_ me?”

Kanan’s fingers tightened painfully, “No! I want to save you.”

Then, she let out a breath and repeated it more quietly, but with no less intensity.

“I want to save you, Yoshiko.”

The dark blue haired girl spent a few moments just getting air in and out of her lungs. It was hard to do it without dissolving into sobs.

“Well, you can’t,” she said at last. “Nobody can.”

“That’s where you are wrong.” Slowly, Kanan released Yoshiko’s wrist and gripped the bed rail instead. “Yoshiko, there is something I’ve got to tell you. Something about me.”

“Kanan…” Yoshiko could breathe now, but she didn’t know what to say.

As far as she could tell, Kanan had gone crazy. In a way, if everything else hadn’t been so awful, she might have been flattered. Kanan had lost her consummate cool—over her. Kanan was upset enough about her situation to go completely nonlinear.

“You really do care,” Yoshiko said softly, with a laugh that was half a sob.

She put a hand on Kanan’s where it rested on the bed rail.

Kanan laughed shortly in turn. Her hand flipped over to grasp hers roughly, “You have no idea,” she said in a tense, strained voice.

Looking out the window, she added, “You think you know everything about me, but you don’t. There’s something very important you don’t know.”

By now Yoshiko felt numb. She couldn’t understand why Kanan kept harping on herself when _she_ was the one about to die. But she tried to conjure up some sort of gentleness for her as she said, “You can tell me anything, You know that.”

“But this is something you won’t believe. Not to mention that it’s breaking the law.”

“The law?”

“The laws. I go by different laws than you. Human laws don’t mean much to us, but our own are supposed to be unbreakable.”

“Kanan,” Yoshiko said, with blank terror. The ponytailed girl really _was_ losing her mind

“I don’t know the right way to say it. I feel like somebody in a bad horror movie.” She shrugged and said without turning. “I know how this sounds, but… Yoshiko, I’m a vampire.”

Yoshiko sat still on the bed for a moment. Then she grabbed out widely toward the bedside table. Her fingers closed on a stack of little crescent-shaped plastic basins and she threw the whole stack at Kanan.

“You _idiot_!” She screamed and reached for something else to throw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I appreciate your feedback!


	5. Between Life and Death

Kanan dodged as Yoshiko lobbed a paperback look at her.

“Yoshiko—”

“You jerk! How can you _do_ this to me? You spoiled, selfish, immature—”

“Shhh! They’re going to hear you—”

“Let them! Here I am, and I’ve just found out that I’m going to _die_ , and all you can think of is playing a joke on me. A stupid, sick joke. I can’t _believe_ this. Do you think that’s _funny_?” She ran out of breath to rave with. Kanan who had been making quieting motions with her hands now gave up and looked at the door.

“Here comes the nurse,” she said.

“Good, and I’m going to ask her to throw you _out_ ,” Yoshiko said. Her anger had collapsed, leaving her near tears. She had never felt so utterly betrayed and abandoned. “I hate you, you know.”

The door opened.

It was the nurse with the flowered blouse and green scrub pants.

“Is anything the matter here?” she said, turning on the light. Then she saw Kanan. “Now, let’s see; you don’t look like family.”

She was smiling, but her voice had the ring of authority about to be enforced.

“She’s not, and I want her out of here,” Yoshiko said.

The nurse fluffed up Yoshiko’s pillows, put a gentle hand on her forehead, “Only family members are allowed to stay overnight.”

Yoshiko stared at the TV and waited for Kanan to go. She didn’t. Kanan walked around the bed to stand by the nurse, who looked up at him while she continued straightening Yoshiko’s blankets. Then her hands slowed and stopped moving.

Yoshiko glanced at the nurse’s sideways in surprise.

The nurse was just staring at Kanan. Hands limp on the blankets, she gazed at her as if she were mesmerized.

And Kanan was just staring back.

With the light on, Yoshiko could see Kanan’s face—and again she had that odd feeling of not recognizing her. She was very pale and almost stern looking as if she were doing something that required an effort. Her jaw was tight and her eyes—her eyes were the color of silver. Real silver, shining in the light.

For some reason, Yoshiko thought of a starving panther.

“So you see there’s nothing wrong here,” Kanan said to the nurse as if continuing a conversation they’d been having.

The nurse blinked once, then looked around the room as if she’d just awakened from a doze.

“No, no; everything’s fine,” she said. “Call me if…” She looked briefly distracted again, then murmured, “If, um, you need anything.”

She walked out.

Yoshiko watched her, forgetting to breathe. Then, slowly, moving only her eyes, she looked at Kanan.

“I know it’s a cliché,” Kanan said. “An overused demonstration of power. But it gets the job done.”

“You set this up with her,” Yoshiko said in a bare whisper.

“No.”

“Or else it’s some kind of psychic trick. The Amazing Whathisname.”

“No,” Kanan repeated and sat down on an orange plastic chair.

“Then I’m going _crazy_.”

For the first time that evening Yoshiko wasn’t thinking about her illness. She couldn’t think properly about anything; her mind was a whirling, crashing jumble of confusion. She felt like Dorothy’s house just like in the Wizard of Oz, after it had been picked up by the tornado.

“You’re not crazy. I probably did this the wrong way; I said I didn’t know how to explain it. Look, I know how hard it is for you to believe me. My people _arrange_ it that way; they do everything they can to keep humans not believing. Their lives depend on it.”

“Kanan, I’m sorry; I just—” Yoshiko found that her hands were trembling. She shut her eyes. “Maybe you’d better just—”

“Yoshiko, _look at me_. I’m telling you the truth. I swear it.”

Kanan stared at her face for a moment, then let out a breath. “Okay. I didn’t want to have to do this but…”

She stood, leaning closer to Yoshiko. She refused to flinch, but Yoshiko could feel her eyes widening.

“Now look,” Kanan said, and her lips skinned back from her teeth.

A simple action—but the effect was astonishing. Transforming. In the instant, she changed from the ordinary Kanan of a moment ago—into something Yoshiko had never seen before. A different species of human being.

Kanan's eyes flared silver and her entire face took on a predatory look. But Yoshiko scarcely noticed that; she was staring at her teeth.

Not teeth. Fangs. She had canines like a cat’s. Elongated and curving, ending in delicate, piercing points.

They were nothing like the fake vampire fangs they sold at novelty stores. They looked very strong and very sharp and very real.

Yoshiko screamed.

Kanan clapped a hand over her mouth. “We don’t want the nurse back in here.”

When she lifted her hand, Yoshiko said, “Oh, my God; oh, my _God_ …”

“All those times when you said I could read your mind,” Kanan continued. “Remember? And the times when I heard things you didn’t hear or moved faster than you could move?”

“Oh, my God.”

“It’s true, Yoshiko.” Kanan picked up the orange chair and twisted one of the metal legs out of shape. She did it easily, gracefully. “We’re stronger than humans,” she continued. She twisted the leg back and put the chair down. “We see better in the dark. We’re built for hunting.”

Yoshiko finally managed to capture an entire thought.

“I don’t care _what_ you can do,” she said shrilly. “You can’t be a vampire. I’ve known you since forever. And you’ve gotten older every year, just like me. Explain _that_.”

“Everything you know is wrong.” When Yoshiko stared at Kanan, she sighed again and said, “Everything you think you know about vampires, you’ve picked up from books or TV. And it’s written by humans. I’ll guarantee that. Nobody in the Night World would break the code of secrecy.”

“The Night World. Where’s the Night World?”

“It’s not a place. It’s like a secret society—for vampires and witches and werewolves. All the best people. And I’ll explain about it later,” Kanan said grimly. “For now—look, it’s simple. I’m a vampire because my parents are vampires. I was _born_ that way. We’re the lamia.”

All Yoshiko could think of was Mr. and Mrs. Matsuura with their fishing shack.

“Your _parents_?”

“ _Lamia_ is just an old word for vampires, but for us, it means the ones who’re born that way,” Kanan continued, ignoring her. “We’re born and we age like humans—except we stop aging whenever we want. We breathe. We walk around in the daylight. We can even eat regular food.”

“Your parents,” Yoshiko said again, faintly.

Kanan looked at her.

“Yeah. My parents. Look, why do you think my mom does interior decorating sometimes? She meets a lot of people that way and so does my dad, the society shrink. It only takes a few minutes alone with somebody, and the human never remembers it afterwards.”

Yoshiko shifted uncomfortably.

“So you, um, drink people’s blood, huh?”

Even after everything she’d seen, she couldn’t say it without half-laughing.

Kanan looked up at her.

“Yes. Yes, I sure do.” She replied softly. Then met her gaze directly.

Her eyes were pure silver.

Yoshiko leaned back against the pile of pillows on her bed. Maybe it was easier to believe her because the unbelievable had already happened to her earlier today. Reality had already been turned upside down—so, honestly, what did one more impossibility matter?

I’m going to die and my friend is a bloodsucking monster, she thought.

The argument was over and she was out of energy. She and Kanan looked at each other in silence.

“Okay.” She said finally, and it meant everything she’d just realized.

“I didn’t tell you this just to get it out my chest,” Kanan said, her voice still muted. “I said I could save you, remember?”

“Vaguely.” Yoshiko blinked slowly, then said more sharply, “Save me how?”

Kanan’s gaze shifted to empty air. “The way you’re thinking.”

“Kanan, I _can’t_ think anymore.”

Gently, without looking at her, Kanan put a hand on her shin under the blanket. She shook Yoshiko’s leg slightly, a gesture of affection.

“I’m gonna turn you into a vampire!”

Yoshiko put both fists to her face and began to cry.

“Hey.” The pony-tailed girl let go of her shin and put an awkward arm around her, pulling Yoshiko to sit up. “Don’t do that. It’s okay. It’s better than the alternative.”

“You’re… freaking… crazy,” Yoshiko sobbed.

Once the tears started, they flowed too easily—she couldn’t stop them. There was comfort in crying and Kanan smelled nice.

“You said you had to be born one,” she added blurrily between sobs.

“No, I didn’t. I said _I_ was born one. There are plenty of other kinds around. Made vampires. There would be more, but there’s a law against making any jerk off the street into one.”

“But I _can’t_. I’m just what I am; I’m _me_. I can’t be—like that.”

Kanan put her gently away so she could look into her face.

“Then you’re going to die. You don’t even have any other choice. I checked around—even asked a witch. There’s nothing else in the Night World to help you. What it comes down to is: Do you want to live or not?”

In Yoshiko’s mind, which had been swamped in confusion again, suddenly fixed on this question. It was a flashlight beam in a pitch-black room.

Did she want to live?

Oh, God, of _course_ , she did.

Until today she’d assumed it was her unconditional _right_ to live. She hadn’t even been grateful for the privilege. But now she knew it was something to take for granted—and she also knew it was something she’d fight for.

Wake up, Yoshiko! This is the voice of reason calling. Kanan says she can save your life.

“Wait a minute I’ve got to think,” Yoshiko said tightly to Kanan. Her tears had stopped. She pushed her away completely and stared fiercely at the white hospital gown.

Okay. Okay. Get your head straight, girl.

You knew Kanan had a secret. So you never imagined it was anything like this, so what? She’s still Kanan. She may be some godawful undead fiend, but she still cares about you. _And there’s nobody else to help you_.

She found herself clutching at Kanan’s hand without looking at her.

“What’s it like?” she said through clenched teeth.

Steady and matter-of-fact, Kanan replied, “It’s different. It’s not something I’d recommend if there was another choice, but… it’s okay. You’ll be sick while your body’s changing, but afterward, you’ll never get any kind of disease again. You’ll be strong and quick—and immortal.”

“I’d live forever? But would I be able to stop aging?”

Kanan grimaced.

“Yoshiko—you’d stop aging _now_. That’s what happens to made vampires. Essentially, you are _dying_ as a mortal. You’ll look dead and be unconscious for a while. And then… you’ll wake up.”

“I see.” Sort of like Juliet in the tomb, Yoshiko thought. And then it came to her, Oh, God… Mom.

“There’s another thing you should know,” Kanan was saying. “A certain percentage of people don’t make it.”

“Don’t make it?”

“Through the change. People over twenty almost never do. They don’t _ever_ wake up. Their bodies can’t adjust to the new form and they burn out. Teenagers usually live through it, but not always.”

Oddly enough, this was comforting to Yoshiko. A qualified hope seemed more believable than an absolute one. To live, she would have to take a chance.

She looked at Kanan.

“How do you do it?”

“The traditional way,” she said with the ghost of a smile.

Then gravely: “We exchange blood.”

Oh, great, Yoshiko thought. And I was afraid of a simple shot. Now I’m going to have my blood drawn by fangs.

She swallowed and blinked, staring at nothing.

“It’s your choice, Yoshiko. It’s up to you.”

There was a long pause, and then, Yoshiko followed: “I want to live, Kanan-chan.”

She nodded. “It’ll mean going away from here. Leaving your mother. They can’t know.”

“Yeah, I was just realizing that. Sort of like getting a new identity, huh?”

“More than that. You’ll be living in a new world, the Night World. And it’s a lonely world, full of secrets. But you’ll be walking around in it, instead of lying in the ground.” She squeezed Yoshiko’s hand. Then Kanan said very quietly and seriously, “Do you want to start now?”

All Yoshiko could think of to do was shut her eyes and brace herself the way she did for an injection.

“I’m ready,” she murmured through stiff lips.

Kanan laughed again—this time as if she couldn’t help it. Then, she folded the bed rail down and settled beside her.

“I’m used to people being hypnotized when I do this. It’s weird to have you awake.”

“Yeah, well, if I scream you can hypnotize me,” Yoshiko said, not opening her eyes.

Relax, she told herself firmly. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how awful it is, you can deal with it. You _have_ to. Your life depends on it.

Her heart was thumping hard enough to shake her body.

“Right here,” Kanan said, touching her throat with cool fingers as if feeling for a pulse.

Just do it, Yoshiko thought. Get it over with.

She could feel the warmth as Kanan leaned close to her, taking her carefully by the shoulders. Every nerve ending in her skin was aware of her. Then she felt cool breath on her throat, and quickly, before she could recoil, a double sting.

Those fangs, burying themselves in her flesh. Making two little wounds so she could drink blood…

Now it’s _really_ going to hurt, Yoshiko thought. She couldn’t brace herself anymore. Her life was in the hands of a hunter. She was a rabbit trapped in the coils of a snake, a mouse under the claws of a cat. She didn’t feel like Kanan’s best friend, she felt like _lunch_ …

_Yoshiko, what are you doing? Don’t fight it. It hurts when you resist._

Kanan was speaking to her—but the warm mouth on her throat hadn’t moved. The voice was in her head.

I’m not resisting, Yoshiko thought. I’m just ready for it to hurt, that’s all.

There was a burning where Kanan’s teeth pierced her. She waited for it to get worse—but it didn’t. It changed.

Oh, Yoshiko thought.

The feeling of heat was actually pleasant. A sensation of release, of giving.

And closeness.

She and Kanan were getting closer and closer, like two drops of water moving together until they merged.

She could sense Kanan’s mind. Her thoughts—and her feelings. Her emotions flowed into her.

Tenderness… concern… caring… A cold black rage at the disease that was threatening her. Despair that there was no other way to help her-And longing—longing to share with her, to make her happy.

Yes, Yoshiko thought.

A wave of sweetness made her dizzy. She found herself groping for Kanan’s hand, their fingers intertwining.

 _Kanan_ , she thought with wonder and joy. Her communication to her a tentative caress.

 _Yoshiko_. She could feel Kanan’s own surprise and delight.

And all the time the dreamy pleasure was building. Making Yoshiko shiver with intensity.

How could I have been so _stupid_? Yoshiko thought. To be afraid of this. It isn’t terrible. It’s… right.

She had never been so close to anybody. It was as if they were one being, together, not predator and prey, but partners in a dance. Yoshiko-and-Kanan.

She could touch Kanan’s soul.

Strangely enough, _Kanan_ was afraid of that. Yoshiko could sense it.

_Yoshiko, don’t—so many dark things—I don’t want you to see…_

Dark, yes, she thought. But not dark and terrible. Dark and lonely. Such utter loneliness. A feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Except…

Suddenly, Yoshiko was seeing an image of herself. In Kanan’s mind, she was fragile and graceful, a violet-eyed spirit of the air. A sylph—with a core of pure steel.

I’m not really like that, she thought. I’m not tall and beautiful like those other two previous girlfriends…

The words she heard in answer didn’t seem directed towards her—she had the feeling Kanan was thinking to herself or remembering from a long forgotten book.

_You don’t love a girl because of beauty. You love her because she sings a song only you can understand…_

With the thought came a strong feeling of protectiveness. So this was how Kanan felt about her—she knew at last. As if she were something precious, something to be protected at all costs…

At all costs. No matter what happened to Kanan.

Yoshiko tried to follow the thought deeper into her mind, to find out what it meant. She got an impression of rules—no, _laws…_

 _Yoshiko-chan, it’s bad manners to search somebody’s mind when you are not invited._ The words were tinged with desperation.

Yoshiko pulled back mentally. She hadn’t meant to pry. She just wanted to help…

 _I know._ Kanan’s thought came to her and with it a rush of warmth and gratitude. Yoshiko relaxed and simply enjoyed the feeling of oneness with her.

I wish it could last forever, she thought—and just then it stopped. The warmth at her neck disappeared and Kanan pulled away, straightening.

Yoshiko made a sound of protest and tried to drag her back. Kanan wouldn’t let her.

“No—there’s something else we have to do,” she whispered.

But she didn’t do anything else. The ponytailed girl just held her, her lips against the teal-haired girl’s forehead. Yoshiko felt at peace and languid.

“You didn’t tell me it would be like that,” she said.

“I didn’t know,” Kanan said simply. “It never has been before.”

They sat together quietly, with Kanan gently stroking Yoshiko’s hair.

So strange. Yoshiko thought. Everything is the same—but everything’s so different. It was as if she’d pulled herself up on dry land after almost drowning in the ocean. The terror that had been pounding inside her all day was gone, and for the first time in her life, she felt completely safe.

After another minute or so Kanan shook her head, rousing herself.

“What else do we have to do?” Yoshiko asked.

For an answer, Kanan lifted her own wrist to her mouth. She made a quick jerking motion with her head as if tearing a strip of cloth held in her teeth.

When she lowered the wrist, Yoshiko saw blood.

It was running in a little stream down her arm. So red it almost didn’t seem real.

Yoshiko gulped and shook her head.

“It’s not that bad,” Kanan said softly. “And you have to do it. Without my blood in you, you won’t become a vampire when you die, you’ll just _die_. Like any other human victim.”

And I want to live, Yoshiko thought. All right, then.

Shutting her eyes, she allowed Kanan to guide her head to her wrist.

It didn’t taste like blood, or at least not like the blood she’d tasted when she bit her tongue or put a cut finger in her mouth.

It tasted—strange. Rich and potent.

Like some magic elixir, Yoshiko thought dizzily. And once again she felt the touch of Kanan’s mind. Intoxicated with the closeness, she kept drinking.

 _That’s right. You’ve got to take a lot,_ Kanan told her. But her mental voice was weaker than it had been. Instantly, Yoshiko felt a surge of alarm.

_But what will it do to you?_

“I’ll be alright,” Kanan said aloud. “It’s you I’m worried about. If you don’t get enough, you’ll be in danger.”

Well, she was the expert. And Yoshiko was happy to let the strange, heady potion keep flowing into her. She basked in the glow that seemed to be lighting her from the inside out. She felt so tranquil, so calm…

And then, without warning, the calm was shattered. A voice broke into it, a voice full of harsh surprise.

“What are you _doing_?” the voice said, and Yoshiko looked up to see Ruby in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the newest chapter!  
> I appreciate all comments and feedback.


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